Roger Moore(timer)

King Edward’s son, King Edward (II), also firmly believed that it was his birth right to rule over Britannia, however, he was no match on the battlefield in comparison to his much-feared father. His defeat to Robert Bruce seven years later marked a turning point in British history. The Plantagenets now thought better of attacking their northern neighbours and these victories had triggered a proud sense of Scottish independence that would last over 700 years (until the year 2014). Unlike the unfortunate Welsh, Scotland even went on to form its own national cricket team, the fact that they are absolutely shit doesn’t matter because their football team is equally as shit and they’re used to it.

It appears that Edward II was a crap king. His reign had started well in the sense that he’d married Isabella, the daughter of the King of France. She was a 12-year-old child but that was fine in the medieval world because modern paedophiles had not been invented and they had similar standards to R-Kelly. This was typical tixerB (reverse of Brexit). A French speaking King of England marries a young French lady (child) resulting in England and Wales being ruled by a wholly French dynasty, thankfully at least Scotland managed to avoid this shame.

However, Queen Isabella was to be upstaged at her own wedding because Edward II had a penchant for all things male and sexy. Piers Gaveston  was his favourite courtier and it was he, dressed in royal purple, who walked in front of the ‘happy’ couple during their procession down the aisle. He was even holding the sacred crown of Edward the Confessor. At the banquet that followed, Isabella’s uncles walked out in disgust as Edward and Piers revelled in their eccentric public displays of affection for one another. By all accounts, Edward II was infatuated by Gaveston and this gave him huge influence over the king. Once again, a foreign-born courtier, living by the grace of English taxes was provoking the hatred of the Brexit barons. They weren’t having this - something had to be done about this cocky and flamboyant upstart who seemed to be wielding far too much power. He was clearly the most annoying Piers in British history until the arrival of Morgan.  In typical medieval style, they captured him, took him to Kenilworth castle, stabbed him and then chopped his head off. Once again the English barons had exercised their power and the king was helpless in the defence of poor Piers. That was the end of him. However, Eddie The Second soon found another court favourite to become completely obsessed by, his name was Hugh Le Despenser (yet another French sounding prick).

The fucking idiot seemingly didn’t learn from his previous mistakes and once again he pissed off the barons with exactly the same routine but this time he made another enemy – his wife. Queen Isabella completely despised Eddie’s new fave – Hugh. Her husband clearly didn’t give two fucks about their marriage and she thought Hugh was a total prick. Sensing Edwards vulnerability, the French king then invaded Gascony – the last of the Plantagenet lands in France and Edward sent Isabella over to sue for peace, after all, the French king was her brother. The French prick then insisted that Edward come and pay homage to him and all would be forgotten. Eddie had loads of pissed off barons on the brink of revolt, this meant that leaving England was too risky so instead he sent his son, Edward (weren’t many names you could call a kid back then). And so, young prince Edward knelt at the feet of Charles IV and paid homage, job done (kings loved homage).

Then shit got weird. The Queen of England just stayed in France with her son. She simply refused to return. Edward II then got really angry and wrote some angry letters but even that didn’t work and to add insult to injury, Isabella then revealed her new lover. He was called Roger Mortimer; at last an English sounding name (in fact if you take off the ‘timer’ then you basically have Roger Moore, the quintessential English actor who once played James Bond – probably THE reason that many people voted for Brexit). Mortimer and his bit on the side (the fucking Queen of England) then landed on our south coast and soon found loads of support from the pissed off Brexit Barons. Edward II was totally fucked. He was forced to hand the English crown to his son, Edward III. He had the honour of being the first English King to abdicate the throne but the Plantagenet (French) dynasty was to continue. In 1327, Eddie III was crowned king at the tender age of 14, fortunately for little Ed he had Mortimer and his mum to rule on his behalf.

If you’re wondering what happened to the ex-king’s favourite, Hugh Le Despenser, well he was sent into exile and given a comfortable annual allowance from which to live. Only joking, he was hung, drawn and quartered, ‘dispensed’ of so to speak. However, Mortimer had a new and rather weird problem, the king’s father was still alive and to make matters even worse he was receiving £5 a day in expenses. Scum like ex-kings shouldn’t be given benefits. Edward II was said to have died of natural causes but everyone knew that was bullshit. Many historians believe he was most likely suffocated (no marks) but there is another version of his death that is far more sensational. Edward II is said to have had a red-hot poker stuck up his arse (no marks if the cheeks are parted carefully enough) but we’ll never know the true nature of his untimely death for certain. However, it is definitely way more fun to believe that he had a red-hot poker stuck up his arse so let’s just go with that. Roger Moore and his bit on the side would rule England, but not for long…